I'm deleting all of my writing from my myspace blogs and putting it here.
theres a vacant spot
in my parking lot
since you got in your car
and drove away
and i go up and down the elevator aimlessly
waiting until you show up again someday
but since you drove so far away
miles and miles and miles away
it may be a while before you get back
where have you gone?
fallen into a world of spins and kicks?
of love and hate
complete neutrality...
have you gone to the place
where they perform all the shows
where the dead ones go
where they show their faces
half decayed
unburied...
have you shown your face to the hidden
to the cave man who lives beneath the ocean?
youve fallen into the depressed world
where the warlocks fly
straight by...
those swirls have taken you by the soul
speak to me
where are you?
magnetic field of daisies
why do all my good intentions
get all twisted in the end
dont go leaning on
my pointless extensions
and i wont trust
your heart to mend
im not solid
and youre rather soft
to the fact that i cant be sure
if you want to use your lungs on me
then i will hold open the door
you want the past
to trade with the now
but im trying to show you
that no one knows how
and maybe i dont want it that way
maybe i want the now to stay
so forget those good intentions
i used to know
i learned to sail on
but to you i still glow
i can still feel the beads of
sweat running along my forehead. as you and i walked along the pavement we
didnt say a word. i just stared at the cracks and the grass
and the flowers
blooming from the holes in the sidewalk. each car lent a
blinding glare as
we strolled past. every few steps we might smile at each
other, but not too much.
i can still feel the simplicity lingering around my head.
looking around, i felt so still,
and so perfectly pressured. i wanted to scream at the top of
my lungs, WHO CAN
TOUCH US NOW? and no one would answer because they
knew that they couldnt,
they couldnt touch us. you and i, could go. we could have
kept on walking until the
end of the earth and no one could stop us. every step and
view of the scenery became
more and more beautiful. the colors became more vibrant,
but wouldnt blend.
everything and everyone was in its own, except for you and
i, well we blended so
perfectly and in tone. i wanted to hold your hand, but i know
when things arent right.
i wanted so badly to take your hand and just start running.
with no knowledge of
where i was taking you. and i wanted to shout at the sun and
tell it to never ever set.
i wished i could have just looked into the eyes of the sky
and tell her that she could
finally be put to rest. just as i was, at last.i stay up late searching in the night, creeping in the minutes, looking for something
holding on to the seconds, but i cant find love in the darkness
walking breathless in the daytime
i sit up in the night time
waiting for something to come along
something hiding in the hours
together
laying down
listening to you open your mind
secretly loving all that you loathe
secretly going where i shouldnt go
like a late night whisper
followed by the sound of a quick getaway
door opens, i turn my head
its not you, it never was
pick apart pieces of the puzzle
how are you going to ever make it whole
my inconsistent feelings have lead me to believe that most of the time, i'm wrong. i want to erase you from my life, so what? i never want to see you again, big deal. tears are so much more bitter when you cry them in vein. my lips are trembling as i click delete. delete. delete. delete. delete what you said, delete what i said, delete the past, to save myself. the song always goes "i would find a way without you" well i will. and you dont care. i once felt it was my job to make your life better, then i realized, it was yours to make mine hell. the room set on fire as your lips let go of those words you had been holding in for way too long. two days. two fucking days. two mother fucking days. the walls started crumbling around me and i think that i started crumbling too. i broke into a million little pieces. everything that i knew was so wrong. so wrong. so here it goes, delete. delete. delete.
I always had trouble lying to you, and usually I revealed the truth later on anyway, unable to handle the guilt of having lied to such a beautiful person. The day I finally told you was happier than ever. I was so content with my feelings to you and your talk of love and the future was more than enough to keep me going forever. Then, it came out of my mouth like an exhale after I'd been holding my breath for over a month. I was so ashamed. The way you were treating me afterwards made me want to sink down into the floor and below the surface of the earth never to be found again. The feeling inside me was one of such shame and hate towards myself that ithought i could die and it would make no difference. i cant take back what happened, and you, you can forgive me.
i remember it all so well. how the tears on my face stung my skin so bad i wanted to scream. how i couldnt do anything to relieve myself of this odd pain that i had never felt before. the notes of my favoite music all of a sudden sounded so old and sour. it was such and odd creeping feeling that came up from beneath me and just sunk into me, slowly, inch by inch. at first, it was nothing,i didnt know what to say and it barely felt like it mattered, i had been independent for such a long time
that it seemed like nothing new. and yet, i knew what had happened, i knew exactly what happened,i can describe with such great detail what happened that youd think i was there, but no, i was at home,cursing her name. i dont regret cursing her name, which, when you think about it doesnt make me fit
to have been her first "friend" to know. i guess her parent hadnt heard what me and her had been through.i still curse her name, more so than that same night she let me down. sometimes im overcome with such passion because i cant come to the realization that shes gone and its over. the fact that i cant change it, makes it even worse. i probably could have saved her.
it comes back to me every single night when i lay down in bed. up through the cold hardwood floor and the mattress. up through my sheets and covers and pillow and into my head. the pulsing, vibrations of his presence are there, and i know hes still alive. I can't say I want him dead, because it wouldn't be true. but whenever i see his silhouetted figure moving towards me, thats when i wish it, thats when i want him to go away forever. his laughter is so ridiculing that it stings my ears. i know hes laughing at me, for somethign i did, or said. Ive seen rivers cried, rivers, complete with waterfalls and rapids, and its all thanks to him. him whose idea of encouragement is screaming until your brain is sore and you would never bother to argue or ask anything of him again. whether this is intentional or not, i dont dare tread on such ground. i can sense him from so far away, i know he will be at my door soon and saying something, making a rude or judgemental remark. Ive described him as such a greedy and terrible character of a human, when yet, he appears, and appeals to so many as a gentle creature. to you he will
always have open arms, willing to save and nurture. his intolerant, dry, filthy lips will sing such a sweet song you would think him an angel. but i will always beg to differ. hes a good man, sure. because all he wants to do is care for you and make you feel welcome, ive felt his warmth around me so many times in my life that its growing cold and dusty, emotionless, and pale. i cant fight that he will always be in my life, so ive learned to tame it. i can always push back when he pushes me. hes hurt us all in different ways. and it isnt that, no not at all is it that very thing that makes me so grudging against him. its how hard hes tried to make up for it, and pretend it never happend. he always acts like nothing ever happened, and for that, for that i will never forgive him.
i sat there gazing. just gazing. i dont remember how long it was before my gaze cought yours, but as soon as it did, i felt it. because i shook so happily that i almost fell right off where we sat. i can recollect everything around us. the burnt out light bulb that we should have fixed months ago but we never got around to it. all of the papers. the papers filled with my words and your pictures and music. all of the papers swirled together like a tornado had just been through them. my favorite piece sat calmy on the top. it was a picture of us, and it stared at me.all through my body i felt such happiness, such content, that i could hardly breath. i was able to regain my strength just to have it taken right back by your lips taking mine underneath them. and after a while it didnt matter how strong i was, because you and i were one, and if you were strong, well then so was i.
at first it was so unreal that i denied it to myself. i told myself, too good to be true. but after a while, it settled into my brain. slowly dripping down my brainstem and spine until my whole body was filled up with it and there was no more denying. the fact that you were so close, was so overwhelming that it hurt my lungs to think about. you used to be just a thought. something intangible, yet great. like love, or hope, or passion or faith, something along those lines. thats what it was. Faith, passion, love, hope, you. All in the same category. I began by tracing my fingers around the features of your face. noticing every little wrinkle and freckle, i made a map of it in my mind to save for later when i would be alone once again. feeling the soft of your skin was enough to make me cry. your hair fell over your face lik a waterfall of curls. you laughed. it was the most beautiful thing ive ever heard. it gave me good shivers and even better goosebumps. i loved everything about you, from your scalp to the soles of your feet. it all shone to me, every bit, and i could only begin to imagine what living the rest of my life would be like, with your hand in mine.
shirt- thrifted, dress- UO,
